As men, we take pride in our identity. We embrace our masculinity and dominance. We have this primal desire to pursue more, to be at the top, to be respected, and to lead. While some have accomplished this through sheer might and willpower, I want to give you another alternative and a different narrative to buy in to. Biblically, we are shown a better path. It’s a path that allows us to exercise our masculinity but guides us to channel it through wisdom instead of force. It’s a plan that instructs us to seek humility rather than greatness, but it guarantees us the result we are innately searching for. It requires us following Christ’s example and choosing to become a lamb even though we have the capacity to be a lion.
Fatherhood is a battle in and of itself, but we can easily add additional conflicts to the journey because of our pride. We want to remain the alpha in every way. We always want to possess the intellectual capacity that requires our kids to come to us with their questions and concerns. We hope to possess the strength that gives our children a sense of security and intimidates them at the same time. We want to live our life on the perch of dominance and dominion. However, as upside down as it may seem, a continual pursuit of that position will yield one uncertain result and one certain result; you may or may not obtain your desired position, and you will certainly stifle your children.
Obtaining our goals at the expense of our children is not the outcome we want so we must find a different path forward and luckily there is one. There is a balance that we can find in this battle we find ourselves in. We can have our perch of reverence while watching our children climb to greater heights. The way we get it is by running away from our personal desired position.
The Bible, particularly within Jesus’ ministry in the New Testament, is full of inverse logic. Ideas such as, in order to gain life, one must lose it, in order to receive, one must give, and in order to be exalted, one must humble themself. Jesus embodied the word and showed it true. He lost His life, gave, humbled Himself, and received eternal life and exaltation. He possessed the ability to be a lion and exercise dominance but instead He chose to be a lamb.
It’s important to point out that Jesus did not do these things to gain for Himself. Jesus did these things for creation. His entire life was for the benefit of others. On a smaller scale, we share this as dads. We have our own little creations that we can give to and live for. Yes, they need to understand who we are and recognize our position, but we should follow Jesus’ example.
Life is a learning experience. There are things that you understand now that cause you to shake your head and chuckle when you look back on your younger self. You possess the answers to what you would do differently if you could go back. Those answers do you no good now because you cannot travel through time, but you’ve got that information for a reason. You have children who are at that age or on their way to that age who might benefit from those answers. We cannot be afraid of our children surpassing us mentally and intellectually. In fact, we should strive to make that happen. We live our lives and work hard for what we gain. Why would we not desire to give that as a starting point for our kids so that they can achieve greater heights?
This is part of the balancing act. Give them too much and they spoil. Give them too little and they don’t benefit. Dictate your knowledge and experience onto them and they become resentful. We have to first pursue humility, which is in the opposite direction of our perch of dominance, so that we can give and guide. Your children will not always take your insight and you must be ok with that. If you are honest with yourself, you probably didn’t follow every piece of advice you received either. Remember that so you can give grace to your kids and continue to give and guide.
This is critical on the physical front as well and likely most applicable to our sons. They will pursue strength and athleticism; they will pursue the position of alpha. Don’t give it up easily. Don’t hold back so they can possess a false sense of accomplishment. Dominate but guide them. If your kid struggles to beat you in basketball, give them advice to perfect their shot or handling abilities. Guide them on what to work on and how to do it so that they further develop and improve.
My son and I have been playing Mancala since he was five. For those unfamiliar, it’s a strategic game that is not intended for children. As a result, he has yet to beat me, but deep down I cannot wait for that day. Every time we play, I give him constructive criticism as well as advice on how to take a loss and handle it properly. There was one particular match where I feared defeat but fortunately my five-year-old made a five-year-old move and missed his opportunity. Following my victory, I walked back a few moves to show my son how he could’ve won. To date, he still has not beaten me, but he has beaten grandparents, his aunt, and his mom. That’s another element of the balance. I find greater joy and fulfillment in seeing my son flourish and obtaining victory than I find in my personal triumphs. I receive something that I cannot find for myself by giving to my children.
We have an opportunity and privilege to pass on what we obtain to our children and to fuel their growth beyond our own. This doesn’t make us weak, and it does not create a descent from our perch. It elevates us to new heights. Heights that cannot be achieved alone. Our personal perch of dominance is a place we can find by ourselves. This new height is a place we are elevated to by others. Our kids will recognize our investments into them and as they mature so will their respect and reverence of us. They will see what we possessed, what we gave, and increasingly value that because the most esteem-able quality is possessing the strength and power, and choosing to give it away so that others benefit. It’s one thing to be self-acclaimed but it is way more notable to be critically acclaimed. Stop pursing your dominance and start giving for theirs.