My great uncle had a phrase he used often, “I think I could get more done if I knew what I was supposed to be doing.” That simple statement hits home for so many of us as fathers. In the chaos of parenting, providing, leading, and trying to do everything “right,” we often forget to ask one crucial question:
What are we supposed to be doing as dads?
Why “Being a Good Dad” Might Be the Wrong Goal
We all want to be good dads. But if we’re honest, what does that really mean? Is it about being present? Providing financially? Going to every game? Cooking dinner?
These are all good things, but none of them—on their own—define fatherhood. The hard truth is: you don’t get to decide whether or not you’re a good dad. Your children do.
Instead of aiming to be a “good dad,” shift your focus to being the dad your children need you to be—right now, in this season of their lives.
Because being a dad isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence, growth, and relationship.
You’re Not Perfect—And That’s Okay
Let’s settle this: You’re not perfect, and you’re not supposed to be. Your kids don’t need perfection. They need you—flaws, failures, and all.
There are moments when you’re going to mess up. Maybe you yelled when you should’ve listened. Maybe you were distracted when they needed your attention. But the defining moments of fatherhood aren’t about never making mistakes—they’re about how you respond after you do.
Apologize and Connect
I remember coming home from the store a few years ago after being a knucklehead with my kids. When I arrived, my two oldest kids were already in bed but thankfully not asleep. So I didn’t wait. I walked into their rooms and apologized. I told them I loved them, admitted I hadn’t responded well, and opened up about what I was feeling.
That’s fatherhood. Vulnerability. Transparency. Relationship.
When your kids see that you’re willing to humble yourself and ask for forgiveness, they learn grace. They learn growth. And they learn what a real man of God looks like.
Growth Is Essential
Your kids are growing—and that means you have to grow too.
“The dad I am today is not the dad my children will need in ten years.”
That’s a hard but beautiful truth. A two-year-old doesn’t need the same dad a teenager does. So, if we want to raise emotionally healthy, spiritually grounded children, we must commit to evolving with them.
This means:
- Regularly evaluating your habits, mindset, and parenting style
- Being open to feedback from your kids
- Staying spiritually grounded in your walk with God
- Seeking wisdom through Scripture, prayer, and godly counsel
What Are We Actually Supposed to Be Doing?
So, what is our role as dads?
The Mission of Fatherhood
The mission of fatherhood isn’t to be admired, to make money, or to raise high-achieving kids.
“The mission of fatherhood is to equip and disciple our children to be a part of God’s mission in a greater capacity than ourselves.”
It’s not about pushing them toward worldly success—it’s about pointing them to Christ. Your job is to equip, disciple, and prepare them for a life of obedience to God.
That mission includes:
- Loving their mother (even when it’s hard)
- Living with integrity
- Modeling faith and obedience
- Serving with humility
- Guiding, not forcing, their spiritual growth
You’re Not a Dictator or a Coach—You’re a Leader
Let’s define what you’re not supposed to be:
- Not a dictator: You don’t rule by fear, control, or authority alone.
- Not a coach: You don’t sit on the sidelines offering advice you don’t live by.
You’re a leader. And biblical leadership is servant leadership.
How Does God Lead?
God leads as a suffering servant. Jesus modeled leadership by serving, sacrificing, and loving without condition. As Christian dads, we follow His lead.
You lead by:
- Giving generously of your time and energy
- Serving your family without demanding praise
- Modeling faith through action and lifestyle
- Making the first move in forgiveness and reconciliation
Why Relationship Is Everything
If we want to disciple our children well, relationship is the foundation.
You can’t discipline well, guide well, or lead well without a strong relationship. Relationship is what amplifies your voice and makes you influential to your kids.
Here are four pillars for building a lasting, Christ-centered relationship with your kids:
1. Faith
You can’t lead your children to a place you’re not going yourself.
If you want your kids to have a relationship with God, you have to model that relationship first. Read the Bible. Pray. Worship. Let them see you do it. Let them catch you talking to God, not just talking about Him.
“If you’re going to actually understand how to have a good relationship, you should go to the One who created relationships.”
2. Personal Integrity
Integrity is who you are when no one is watching. It is choosing to live a life of innocence where you have a guilt-free conscience. It’s consistency between what you say and what you do.
If you preach discipline, be disciplined. If you preach love, show love.
No one respects a hypocrite. And your kids are smart enough to see through a double standard.
- Do your actions match your words?
- Are you the same man at church, work, and home?
- Are you worth emulating?
Your integrity gives your children a reason to trust and follow your leadership.
3. Communication
True communication is a two-way street.
You must:
- Speak openly and vulnerably to your kids
- Admit when you’re wrong
- Ask questions and listen without judgment
- Give them permission to speak into your life
Let them say things like:
- “Dad, that hurt me.”
- “I need more of your time.”
- “Can we talk?”
If you shut them down, you shut down the relationship. But if you foster communication, you build a bridge of trust that leads to lifelong connection.
4. Grace
Grace gives longevity to relationship. It’s what keeps us connected when things fall apart.
There will be days when your children hurt you. There will be days when you hurt them. In those moments, grace is what brings healing.
Don’t withdraw. Don’t shame. Don’t walk away.
Be dad enough to offer grace—and humble enough to receive it.
You’re going to fail. But to your children, your failure doesn’t define you—unless you let it. Accept their grace and keep moving forward. They still want you.
Why This Matters
Trying to be a “good dad” often results in trying to become what you have been told you need to become by others. But being the dad your children need is different. It’s specific. It’s relational. It forces you to focus on your kids rather than your thoughts or ideas from others.
So here’s your challenge:
- Stop trying to earn the title of “good dad.”
- Start building a relationship with your children rooted in faith, integrity, communication, and grace.
- Let your kids define who you are to them—not your accomplishments or your ego.
Because what they need from you at 6 will be different from what they need at 16. But they will always need a dad who’s willing to grow, willing to listen, and willing to lead with love.
Final Thoughts
Being a dad isn’t about reaching some final destination. It’s about continual transformation—a process that only works through relationship with your children and with God.
Your goal isn’t to prove that you’re a good dad. Your goal is to be the dad your children need today—and every day that follows.
And the only way to know what that looks like?
Ask. Listen. Love. Grow.
That’s what we’re supposed to be doing as dads.
Now that you know… go do it.
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