What do you do when your child wrongs you, disobeys, or humiliates you? Do you wait to forgive them? Do you make sure they feel the pain of their mistake first?
These are tough questions that every dad—especially every Christian dad—must wrestle with. If we’re not intentional, our instincts can take over, and more often than not, our instincts lead us toward revenge, power, and control.
But Jesus has shown us another way.
The Challenge of Being Wronged by Your Kids
It’s one thing to be wronged by a coworker or a stranger. It’s another thing entirely to be wronged by your own child. As dads, we give our time, money, energy, and love to our kids—without holding back. So when they disobey us, disrespect us, or even shame us, it hurts in a different way.
It can stir up feelings of resentment or entitlement:
- “They owe me an apology.”
- “They need to know how much they’ve hurt me.”
- “They’re going to feel this.”
But what we have to remember is this: our role as Christian dads is not to seek revenge—it’s to extend grace. That means we don’t wait until we feel better to forgive. We don’t withhold forgiveness until our child earns it. We forgive the way our Heavenly Father forgives.
Forgiveness in Light of Matthew 18
Jesus tells a powerful parable in Matthew 18:23–34. It’s the story of a servant who was forgiven a massive debt by his master—only to turn around and refuse to forgive a small debt owed to him by a fellow servant. The master was furious and said:
“Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?”
This parable reminds us: we have been forgiven of far more than our children will ever do to us. We are the servant with the massive debt. If God didn’t wait for us to fully understand or apologize perfectly, why would we expect that from our kids?
The Problem with Withholding Forgiveness
Let’s be honest—sometimes we withhold forgiveness because we want our kids to feel the weight of what they did. We want them to squirm under the guilt. We want to win.
But that’s not fatherhood. That’s pride. And pride destroys relationships.
Why We Wait to Forgive:
- We want an apology.
- We want them to understand our pain.
- We want them to feel the shame.
- We want to feel justified in our anger.
But these motives have nothing to do with biblical love. If you’re waiting until you feel better or until they get it “just right,” you’ve missed the heart of forgiveness.
The Model of Biblical Forgiveness
Let’s look at three biblical models that reframe our understanding of forgiveness:
1. Stephen (Acts 7:60)
While being stoned to death, Stephen prayed:
“Lord, do not hold this sin against them.”
Stephen was being killed, and still, his heart was full of mercy. If he could forgive in that moment, we can forgive when our child slams a door, yells, lies, or disobeys.
2. Jesus on the Cross (Luke 23:34)
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
No one has been wronged more severely than Jesus. Yet, He didn’t wait for an apology. He didn’t demand understanding. He forgave while they were still hurting Him.
3. The Father of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15)
The son shamed the family, wasted the inheritance, and acted selfishly. But when he returned, the father ran to meet him. He didn’t even wait for the apology.
He:
- Gave him a ring (symbolizing restored authority),
- Put sandals on his feet (signifying sonship, not servanthood),
- Threw a feast (celebrating, not punishing).
The father had forgiveness ready.
Having Forgiveness Ready
That’s what we’re called to do as Christian dads: Have forgiveness ready.
You can—and should—guide your kids to apologize. But your forgiveness shouldn’t depend on their performance. Forgiveness isn’t a reward they earn. It’s a gift you give.
Teach, Don’t Withhold:
- Teach them how to process emotions.
- Help them express apologies in healthy, honest ways.
- Model what it looks like to ask for forgiveness.
- Walk them through it—don’t make them sit in shame until they “get it.”
But What If the Hurt Is Too Deep?
Maybe your kids are older. Maybe they’ve made major mistakes. Maybe they’ve said things you never thought you’d hear. And maybe you’ve been tempted to cut them off.
But hear this: No matter what your child has done, you never have permission to write them off.
Your calling as a father is to reflect the love of the Father. God doesn’t write you off. He doesn’t say, “You’ve gone too far.” His grace is new every morning. His forgiveness is already prepared. Yours should be too.
Forgiveness Is a Relationship Builder
If you want influence in your child’s life, you must have a relationship with them. And relationship cannot survive without grace and forgiveness.
Think about it:
- Forgiveness repairs what’s been broken.
- Grace gives room for mistakes.
- Love holds the relationship together.
Your kids aren’t perfect. Neither are you. But if you respond to their failure with punishment and pride instead of grace and forgiveness, you risk losing the influence you’ve worked so hard to build.
When Is the Right Time to Forgive?
Immediately.
The very moment the offense happens, you should already be extending forgiveness in your heart. Yes, you may need time to process emotions, talk through it, and restore trust—but forgiveness is not about your emotions. It’s about your decision.
“Their future, their life, and your relationship hinges on you issuing forgiveness.”
Your job isn’t to make them suffer until they feel what you felt. Your job is to disciple them—and that starts with relationship, which is sustained by grace.
Forgiveness Is a Gift, Not a Bargain
Jesus taught us something profound in His Sermon on the Mount: love isn’t transactional.
He said:
- If someone hits you, turn the other cheek.
- If someone steals from you, offer more.
- If someone asks for money, give without expecting it back.
Why? Because love that expects something in return isn’t love. It’s a contract.
Forgiveness isn’t a contract. It’s a gift.
So, forgive your children as God has forgiven you:
- Freely
- Fully
- Without demand
- Without delay
Final Thoughts for Christian Dads
Forgiveness isn’t just a parental duty—it’s a spiritual discipline. As Christian dads, we are called to model Jesus. And Jesus didn’t withhold His love until we got our act together.
He loved us in our sin.
He forgave us before we even knew how to ask.
So, when your child offends you, wrongs you, or embarrasses you—don’t retreat, don’t lash out, don’t wait.
Be the first to forgive.
Be the first to love.
Be the first to move.
And if you’re wondering how to do that practically, here are a few steps:
4 Ways to Lead Your Kids with Forgiveness
- Pray for your child in private.
Ask God to soften your heart and give you His perspective. - Tell your child you forgive them.
Even if they don’t fully understand, speak the words. Let them hear grace. - Model apology and humility.
Show them what it looks like to admit wrong and seek peace. - Rebuild connection, not control.
Forgiveness isn’t about reasserting authority—it’s about restoring relationship.
Remember This:
There is no offense your child can commit that comes close to the debt you had with God.
And God forgave you anyway.
So forgive your kids.
Lead with love.
Be the father your child needs.
That’s the kind of dad who disciples his children into the mission of God.
Let this be your reminder today:
The right time to forgive your child is now.
Not later.
Not after they “get it.”
Now.
Because that’s exactly how God forgave you.
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